From Mom: 3 Months. 37 Weeks.

Today marks three months since we said goodbye to our little boy. It also marks the day in which I would have hit 37 weeks of pregnancy. I would have been full term today. I have a lot of emotions today that I'm not entirely sure how to navigate. I have more questions today, three months later, than I have answers. However they aren't questions about what happened but more so questions on what would have been. 

How big would I have been?

Would Reese have come before his due date or after?

What would my baby shower have been like?

What would my third trimester look like?

How would the nursery look?

Reese had an incredible amount of hair at 23 weeks four days. Would it have been a wild mane of dark hair by now?

How would I be feeling overall? Ready to get the baby out or enjoying being pregnant?

What would Ross have been doing to prepare to be a Dad?

What would our baby class experience be like?

Where would we have gone on our "baby moon"?

I'll never get to answer these questions. Well that's not entirely true. Hopefully I'll get to experience a third trimester with little brother or sister. I'll have a baby shower and I'll get to decorate a nursery. We will attend a baby class and go on a baby moon. We will prepare to be parents in a different way, not necessarily to be first time parents but to be parents with a baby at home for the first time. But I'll never know when Reese would have been born because he was born on February 12th. I'll never know what his hair would have looked like full term, but I know what it looked like when he was born. I'll never know how I would have felt at 37 weeks with Reese, but I know how I felt from weeks 4-23. I felt amazing. I LOVED being pregnant with my son. I loved feeling his kicks that week leading up, when they really started coming, and I just know he would have kicked and danced even harder as the days went on. 

The next three weeks are going to be interesting as we get closer to June 7th. The closer we get to our due date, the more the outside world realizes we were suppose to be giving birth. We are getting more and more coupons in the mail, reminding us to complete our registry. I've received boxes of formula samples, which I have since donated ( I can't justify keeping it with the shortage going on). Calendar events I forgot to delete or erase have popped up. I'm having to commit to things at work this summer that I originally didn't think I'd be here for. We've made plans to travel and go to concerts, things I didn't think would be possible with an infant. It's bittersweet though; whereas I'm excited to see Lady Gaga or go to North Carolina, I wish I wasn't. I wish I had the excuse of "we've got a one month old at home" or "we don't have a sitter for the night". 

We've somehow managed to get through the last three months and we are stronger for it. We got a new puppy and we got married, both things that didn't happen instead of Reese but because of Reese. The next three weeks might be our toughest challenge yet. Hopefully, the last three months were preparing us for these next three weeks and we've learned what it takes to be resilient and how to cope with our sadness. 

Wish us luck over the next few weeks. Pray for us as we continue to figure out what our life is suppose to look like. Beginning on June 8th, we enter a new phase of mourning. Whereas I'll always be grieving over the pregnancy I didn't have and the pregnancy I lost, I won't be mourning something that was suppose be to occurring in the present---I'll be mourning something that occurred in the past. That almost sounds worse. 

We will be ok. We have each other. We have Gracie and Clara. We will have little brother or sister one day. And we have our perfect boy watching over us. We will be ok. 

From Mom: Married.

Ross and I have always done things a little unconventionally when it comes to our family. We bought a house when we were just boyfriend and girlfriend. We decided in April 2021 to start trying to have a baby that summer, given our ages. We got engaged in early September 2021 only to find out we were expecting Reese a few weeks later. We never thought about planning a big wedding to begin with, maybe a small ceremony in my hometown. Once we found out about Reese, thoughts about maybe having a bigger wedding than we originally planned could come once Reese was a year old or so. It didn't matter to us if we were married or not when Reese was born, just as long as he had Ross's last name. We also thought we had until June to go to the courthouse and get married if we felt up for it. We had plenty of time. 

Then Reese was born in February. And suddenly, we didn't have time. Reese was given my last name immediately upon birth and it remained that way until he passed. We filled out a paternity affidavit at the hospital, so we could make sure that Ross would be listed as Reese's dad even though we weren't married. I looked over Reese's paperwork fifty times to make sure the right name was listed. Once we left the hospital, I made sure Reese's death certificate said the correct last name. His social security card. His urn. He had to have the same last name as his father. The same last name that I eventually planned on having. The same last name that I suddenly wished I had. 

Some people may not think it's a big deal--having the same last name as your husband. Initially, I didn't. I was fine with having my maiden name still. When Reese passed away, all of that changed. I was desperate to hold on to whatever I could of his. Desperate to connect us even more than we already were. I needed to be Reese's mother in every way possible, including sharing his last name. We decided we would go to the courthouse before our due date in June. 

Turns out, most of the courthouses around where we live aren't doing marriages at the moment. What were we going to do? We could elope? That could work. My best friend had mentioned maybe having a small ceremony the weekend that was to be our baby shower, especially since our other best friend was still planning on flying in. We liked the idea, but I also liked the idea of running off somewhere and sending everyone a text message with a picture of our wedding rings. I continued to like this idea more and more until I had a wildly vivid dream on Thursday, 4/14. Reese was in it. He was precious. Ross's eyes and my hair. And he had on a little suit. He said he wanted us to be "whole". I woke up and I was absolutely sure I knew what it meant. We had to get married on April 30th, the day before when my shower was suppose to be. 

We decided to get married at our house, on our back deck. My best friend got ordained. My other best friend took pictures. I found a beautiful, comfy, and affordable dress online. We invited family and friends, explaining we knew it was late notice and if they could be there--great! If not, that's what pictures and zoom were for. We got our rings. Ordered flowers. Had food and drinks setup.  Got our license. We planned a wedding in two weeks. Everything was perfect. 

And it remained perfect. It was the perfect day. 

At 5:30 PM on April 30th, Reese's parents got married. My something blue was a bracelet with his name on it. I carried the teddy bear that stayed by Reese's side after we left him at the hospital, along with my flowers. The weather was amazing and the birds were chirping. Our family was "whole"---as much as it could be. Even through all of the happiness, I still was slightly heartbroken. I had previously envisioned a ceremony where Reese was our ring bearer, or Ross's best man, and that wasn't to be. Instead, I took five minutes to myself before the ceremony and talked to Reese's urn. It was soothing. I saw two red birds during the ceremony, which I am positive were Reese and my Grandmother checking in on things. 

The license is mailed off and it won't be too long before legally, we will all share the same last name. Little brother or sister will have the same last name the minute we check into the hospital. When they call my name in the waiting room during appointments, Ross will hear his last name. I have the same last name as my son. That's all I needed. 

Don't get me wrong though--marrying Ross and being his wife finally is a plus. I am pretty thrilled to call him my husband. He's a good one. 

"Always remember there was nothing worth sharing, Like the love that let us share our name"- The Avett Brothers

Photo by Jamie Everhart http://www.jamiethephotographer.com/

Photo by Jamie Everhart http://www.jamiethephotographer.com/