It's been six weeks since Reese left us. We've hit some important milestones in our grieving process. We've both gone back to the office (not full time, but it's a start!) and I resumed some pre-pregnancy activities like working out. I also drove by myself in my car for the first time since February 10th; you don't think something like that is a big deal until you're actually behind the wheel and you have to make sure you can get from point A to point B without breaking down emotionally. However, we still have a Reese sized hole in our hearts (actually, a bit bigger than Reese--he was so tiny!).
Before we got pregnant last September, we had started searching for a new addition to the family of the four legged variety. I have a 10 year old Australian cattle dog named Clara that I've had since she was a puppy, but I share her with her other owner so she isn't at our house all the time. We wanted a dog we could call our own, specifically a Golden Retriever, but couldn't find one that fit our wants and needs...and budget. Once we found out we were expecting, any dreams of puppy love were swapped out for the future sounds of baby giggles and coos.
On the one month marker of Reese's passing, a golden retriever rescue organization reached out to us asking us if we would be interested in a boy puppy. We had been on the waitlist for almost a year but hadn't heard anything so we assumed it was a lost cause. We had been talking about getting a dog again but hadn't really looked yet. It seemed so serendipitous that on March 17th, one month to the day, a possible puppy was basically thrown in our laps. Like Reese knew his Mommy and Daddy needed something to care and love for. It was a sign from Bub that finding a dog was the next step in our healing journey.
Unfortunately, the rescue situation didn't work out and quite honestly caused us more emotional harm than good (and probably derailed our grief process a good bit). We felt like we had lost something again and we felt a bit mistreated in the process. In between tears brought on by thoughts of Reese and the rescue puppy situation, I started searching for other options. One email led to another which led to a text which led to Ross and I driving an hour away on Sunday morning, March 27. When we arrived at our destination, we locked eyes with the cutest cream colored golden girl puppy we had ever seen. She wouldn't leave Ross's side and I knew five minutes in that we weren't going home without her. One poop filled Petco trip and an eventful drive home later, our home had its' newest resident, an 11 week old english cream golden retriever we named Gracie. She's Amazing Gracie sent from Reese.
It's been an exhausting five days. We haven't slept much and there's been more than a few potty accidents inside the house. Our old lady Clara isn't thrilled with Gracie, while it seems Gracie can't get enough of Clara. Her teeth are the sharpest things in the world and my hands are covered in bite marks. She's rolled off the bed five times and I'm convinced we will have a broken bone before too long. It's been worth it though. Gracie has given us so much love in her short time with us so far and we know she will be the best big-little sister to Reese.
We took the email on March 17th as a sign from Reese that we were suppose to have THAT dog. We've realized that while it was a sign, it didn't mean what we originally thought. Reese didn't want us to have the other dog...he wanted us to find Gracie and he knew the only way he could bring us together was by bringing the other dog in our life first. Reese knew what he was doing. I like to think that one day, hopefully sooner rather than later, Gracie will be the best big puppy sister to a little brother or little sister. They'll grow up together and they will all hear about their big brother Reese and how he's the reason they are all there.
As I sit here typing this, I am sad thinking about how I would have been almost 31 weeks pregnant, but I can't help but to smile through my sadness when I look down at my feet and see my two dogs sleeping (and coexisting in peace). A dog can't replace a baby and our number one goal is still to have little brother or little sister one day soon, but a dog sure can fill your heart with love when you need it most; when you need to show yourself a little grace to get through the day. Our dogs love us unconditionally and we love them right back. Our little 12 week old cream color ball of fluff will always be remembered as the one who saved us when we needed it most. Our Saving Gracie.
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