For the last six weeks, I've gotten emotional looking outside; thinking about what was suppose to be. It's the perfect weather this time of year to sit on our front porch, but I can't do it without thinking of the swing I wanted to hang from the porch ceiling, or without thinking of the blanket I would have laid out for Reese while our dog Clara watched over him. Lately, mostly this past week, we've started sitting outside for our nightly 6:37 PM tradition of singing Happy Birthday to Reese. The weather has been absolutely perfect and I've enjoyed having a glass of wine while admiring our little neighborhood (I'm enjoying wine as much as I can for now, because hopefully it'll be gone again soon).
When we sit outside, I reflect on life. On Bub. On our family. On our experiences. And on the kindness of others. In the immediate days following Reese's birth, we received an insane amount of presents that were to prepare us for what we hoped was a lengthy NICU stay. Sadly, most of those presents were never going to be used. A few weeks ago, my best friend Liz came over and we finally went through all of those unopened Amazon gifts. We saved what could be used for whenever Little Brother or Little Sister joins our party, but I decided to return what was specific to Reese--preemie onesies, NICU specific items, etc. I felt guilty though when I realized Amazon didn't give an option to return money to the gift giver. What was I going to do with all of this Amazon credit? We decided to not touch it until Little Brother or Little Sister comes, so that way it is still for a Baby Davis.
And then I walked in our front yard with bare feet.....
If you aren't familiar with a sweet gum ball, its a little spiney sharp brown ball that falls from trees year round it seems. They make gardening and mowing the lawn very difficult. They are everywhere and make it near impossible to walk with bare feet. On this particular day, Ross had just mowed the lawn and it looked to good not to walk on. I'm sure you can imagine what happened next.
It hurt. It was painful. It obviously was nowhere near the physical pain I felt from 13 hours of unmedicated labor or the emotional pain from losing my son, but it really ducking hurt. It was the kind of hurt that makes you scream LOUD, grab your foot, and jump around the front yard like a crazy person while making your neighbors across the street look out the window.
I sat down on the front porch and thought to myself that there was no way in hell I could ever have a baby play in that front yard. If it hurt that much when I stepped one, what would have happened to Reese? Or what will happen to Little Brother or Little Sister? I immediately turned to Amazon. Surely there was a tool that could get all of those nasty little beasts up. Turns out there was........for a hefty price. Welp, no way in heck I'm paying that.
Then I remembered the Amazon Baby Fund.
And after 15 minutes of internal wrestling with my emotions--feeling bad that I wanted to buy something with gift credit that I only had because people wanted to provide for my amazing son--I decided to bite the bullet and use some gift funds for a Sweet Gum Ball picker upper. I continued to justify the purchase for a few minutes after I hit complete your order.
"Well, it'll be perfect for when we finally do get to play in the front yard"
"Clara will enjoy not stepping on these things when she's trying to poop"
"My foot still really hurts"
The last two days have not been easy. I've been in bed for most of them, crying a lot of the time. It comes and goes, and it's not going away anytime soon. The picker upper tool got delivered today, and on Ross's way out the door to go to the office, he let me know it was by the front door....in case I got a wild hair in me. So after a few hours, I got up, put on some yard clothes and took my business outside. I started going back and forth, back and forth with this tool. Picking up every sweet gum ball I could find. I listened to half of a podcast. It was the most relaxing, stress free 45 minutes I had had since February 9th. It was amazing.
When I was finished, I propped the tool up on the porch and looked out on my yard. I thought about all the fun I was suppose to have come June with Reese and all the fun I will have with Little Brother or Sister. I looked back on my sweet gum ball collection that had gathered in the tool, and I thanked Reese. And I thanked all of the amazing people, some I knew and some I didn't, who didn't hesitate to send us items that they thought would be helpful as we navigated NICU life. How wonderful they are and how grateful we were for them. I no longer had a reason for preemie onesies or NICU books, but I did have a use for this sweet gum ball picker upper.
I had a quick cry and a quick laugh and decided to go back inside. As I did, I looked out on the yard and thanked one more person. I thanked Ross....
Because he will be the one to empty out the ball cage and do the yard work next, and Bub, Little Brother or Sister, Clara, and I cannot wait to watch him in action.
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