From Mom: Six Weeks Out and a New Addition

It's been six weeks since Reese left us. We've hit some important milestones in our grieving process. We've both gone back to the office (not full time, but it's a start!) and I resumed some pre-pregnancy activities like working out. I also drove by myself in my car for the first time since February 10th; you don't think something like that is a big deal until you're actually behind the wheel and you have to make sure you can get from point A to point B without breaking down emotionally. However, we still have a Reese sized hole in our hearts (actually, a bit bigger than Reese--he was so tiny!). 

Before we got pregnant last September, we had started searching for a new addition to the family of the four legged variety. I have a 10 year old Australian cattle dog named Clara that I've had since she was a puppy, but I share her with her other owner so she isn't at our house all the time. We wanted a dog we could call our own, specifically a Golden Retriever, but couldn't find one that fit our wants and needs...and budget. Once we found out we were expecting, any dreams of puppy love were swapped out for the future sounds of baby giggles and coos. 

On the one month marker of Reese's passing, a golden retriever rescue organization reached out to us asking us if we would be interested in a boy puppy. We had been on the waitlist for almost a year but hadn't heard anything so we assumed it was a lost cause. We had been talking about getting a dog again but hadn't really looked yet. It seemed so serendipitous that on March 17th, one month to the day, a possible puppy was basically thrown in our laps. Like Reese knew his Mommy and Daddy needed something to care and love for. It was a sign from Bub that finding a dog was the next step in our healing journey.

Unfortunately, the rescue situation didn't work out and quite honestly caused us more emotional harm than good (and probably derailed our grief process a good bit). We felt like we had lost something again and we felt a bit mistreated in the process. In between tears brought on by thoughts of Reese and the rescue puppy situation, I started searching for other options. One email led to another which led to a text which led to Ross and I driving an hour away on Sunday morning, March 27. When we arrived at our destination, we locked eyes with the cutest cream colored golden girl puppy we had ever seen. She wouldn't leave Ross's side and I knew five minutes in that we weren't going home without her. One poop filled Petco trip and an eventful drive home later, our home had its' newest resident, an 11 week old english cream golden retriever we named Gracie. She's Amazing Gracie sent from Reese. 

It's been an exhausting five days. We haven't slept much and there's been more than a few potty accidents inside the house. Our old lady Clara isn't thrilled with Gracie, while it seems Gracie can't get enough of Clara. Her teeth are the sharpest things in the world and my hands are covered in bite marks. She's rolled off the bed five times and I'm convinced we will have a broken bone before too long. It's been worth it though. Gracie has given us so much love in her short time with us so far and we know she will be the best big-little sister to Reese. 

We took the email on March 17th as a sign from Reese that we were suppose to have THAT dog. We've realized that while it was a sign, it didn't mean what we originally thought. Reese didn't want us to have the other dog...he wanted us to find Gracie and he knew the only way he could bring us together was by bringing the other dog in our life first. Reese knew what he was doing. I like to think that one day, hopefully sooner rather than later, Gracie will be the best big puppy sister to a little brother or little sister. They'll grow up together and they will all hear about their big brother Reese and how he's the reason they are all there.

As I sit here typing this, I am sad thinking about how I would have been almost 31 weeks pregnant, but I can't help but to smile through my sadness when I look down at my feet and see my two dogs sleeping (and coexisting in peace). A dog can't replace a baby and our number one goal is still to have little brother or little sister one day soon, but a dog sure can fill your heart with love when you need it most; when you need to show yourself a little grace to get through the day. Our dogs love us unconditionally and we love them right back. Our little 12 week old cream color ball of fluff will always be remembered as the one who saved us when we needed it most. Our Saving Gracie.

From Mom: Yard Work and Amazon Returns

Throughout my pregnancy, I had these images of spending time on our front porch with Reese. We live in an old craftsman style home, with a good sized front yard and back yard. I had dreams of laying in the front yard grass, with Reese in my arms, giggling and laughing as babies do. He was originally suppose to be a summer baby, so I was looking forward to watching him grow amongst our sweet gum and fig trees in the front yard (not the back yard though---it's a wreck. Please, someone send help). 

For the last six weeks, I've gotten emotional looking outside; thinking about what was suppose to be. It's the perfect weather this time of year to sit on our front porch, but I can't do it without thinking of the swing I wanted to hang from the porch ceiling, or without thinking of the blanket I would have laid out for Reese while our dog Clara watched over him. Lately, mostly this past week, we've started sitting outside for our nightly 6:37 PM tradition of singing Happy Birthday to Reese. The weather has been absolutely perfect and I've enjoyed having a glass of wine while admiring our little neighborhood (I'm enjoying wine as much as I can for now, because hopefully it'll be gone again soon).

When we sit outside, I reflect on life. On Bub. On our family. On our experiences. And on the kindness of others. In the immediate days following Reese's birth, we received an insane amount of presents that were to prepare us for what we hoped was a lengthy NICU stay. Sadly, most of those presents were never going to be used. A few weeks ago, my best friend Liz came over and we finally went through all of those unopened Amazon gifts. We saved what could be used for whenever Little Brother or Little Sister joins our party, but I decided to return what was specific to Reese--preemie onesies, NICU specific items, etc. I felt guilty though when I realized Amazon didn't give an option to return money to the gift giver. What was I going to do with all of this Amazon credit? We decided to not touch it until Little Brother or Little Sister comes, so that way it is still for a Baby Davis.

And then I walked in our front yard with bare feet.....

If you aren't familiar with a sweet gum ball, its a little spiney sharp brown ball that falls from trees year round it seems. They make gardening and mowing the lawn very difficult. They are everywhere and make it near impossible to walk with bare feet. On this particular day, Ross had just mowed the lawn and it looked to good not to walk on. I'm sure you can imagine what happened next. 

It hurt. It was painful. It obviously was nowhere near the physical pain I felt from 13 hours of unmedicated labor or the emotional pain from losing my son, but it really ducking hurt. It was the kind of hurt that makes you scream LOUD, grab your foot, and jump around the front yard like a crazy person while making your neighbors across the street look out the window. 

I sat down on the front porch and thought to myself that there was no way in hell I could ever have a baby play in that front yard. If it hurt that much when I stepped one, what would have happened to Reese? Or what will happen to Little Brother or Little Sister? I immediately turned to Amazon. Surely there was a tool that could get all of those nasty little beasts up. Turns out there was........for a hefty price. Welp, no way in heck I'm paying that. 

Then I remembered the Amazon Baby Fund. 

And after 15 minutes of internal wrestling with my emotions--feeling bad that I wanted to buy something with gift credit that I only had because people wanted to provide for my amazing son--I decided to bite the bullet and use some gift funds for a Sweet Gum Ball picker upper. I continued to justify the purchase for a few minutes after I hit complete your order. 

"Well, it'll be perfect for when we finally do get to play in the front yard"

"Clara will enjoy not stepping on these things when she's trying to poop"

"My foot still really hurts"

The last two days have not been easy. I've been in bed for most of them, crying a lot of the time. It comes and goes, and it's not going away anytime soon. The picker upper tool got delivered today, and on Ross's way out the door to go to the office, he let me know it was by the front door....in case I got a wild hair in me. So after a few hours, I got up, put on some yard clothes and took my business outside. I started going back and forth, back and forth with this tool. Picking up every sweet gum ball I could find. I listened to half of a podcast. It was the most relaxing, stress free 45 minutes I had had since February 9th. It was amazing. 

When I was finished, I propped the tool up on the porch and looked out on my yard. I thought about all the fun I was suppose to have come June with Reese and all the fun I will have with Little Brother or Sister. I looked back on my sweet gum ball collection that had gathered in the tool, and I thanked Reese. And I thanked all of the amazing people, some I knew and some I didn't, who didn't hesitate to send us items that they thought would be helpful as we navigated NICU life. How wonderful they are and how grateful we were for them. I no longer had a reason for preemie onesies or NICU books, but I did have a use for this sweet gum ball picker upper. 

I had a quick cry and a quick laugh and decided to go back inside. As I did, I looked out on the yard and thanked one more person. I thanked Ross....

Because he will be the one to empty out the ball cage and do the yard work next, and Bub, Little Brother or Sister, Clara, and I cannot wait to watch him in action. 

From Dad: One Month Out

This was originally posted on Ross’s Facebook page on March 17, 2022

Reese,

You were born a little over a month ago, on a beautiful Saturday evening, at Northside Hospital in Atlanta. Your mom and I were both so scared and confused, but your time came much sooner than we ever could have imagined. You were so tiny but so perfect, and don't ever forget that you are an ATLien! You live in a little blue house not too far from the zoo, and you will always be home wherever your mom and dad may be. 

We had five amazing days with you on the second floor in the Special Care Nursery. There were a lot of amazing doctors, RTs, and nurses who loved you and cared for you. Everyone prayed for you and pulled for you to grow strong, and I'm so sorry it was not meant to be for you to be in this world. We miss you so much already. 

Your last day your mom and I spent hours holding you, and it was the best hours of our lives. We talked to you, sang to you, prayed over you, and shared all the things we hoped to be able to give you in this world. I may even get a tattoo of your footprint just so I never forget the joy of holding you. You were only in your mommy's tummy for 23 and a half weeks, and you already had more hair than your dad! Your body failed you, but I want you to know you are perfect and so loved by so many. You changed our lives forever, and we are so grateful. You were baptized and received as a child of God, so I have no doubt where you are now. I hope you are having fun listening to granddaddy's jokes and fishing with papa, and since you're my son I'm sure you are also loving nana's banana pudding and mawmaw driving you to the convenience store for a coke and a snack each weekday afternoon. 

I won't ever get to hear your first words or see your firsts steps, play catch with you, see you hit a drive off the first tee, hear about your first crush, or see you walk across the stage for graduation or share a beer with you, but you are just as loved as all the children who would have been your best friends. I hope you will be there waiting for Sudie and I when our time in this world is done. I can't wait to see the color of your eyes and hold your hand walking streets of gold, and I'm comforted knowing your body is healed and perfect while you wait for us. Keep watch over us, and help us to be the best version of ourselves in your honor and memory. We love you so much little bub, and we always will. I promise, with all of my heart. 

Love,

Your mom and dad. 

Reese William Davis

2/12/2022 6:37pm -

2/17/2022 11:00pm

From Mom: One Month Out

It's been a month since our Reese passed away. We’ve spent the last month as many do when they’ve lost a child- escaping the pain, embracing our sorrow, and learning to live our new normal. I was supposed to be 28 weeks pregnant this week. We were supposed to have had our first baby shower already, with another on the way. I think about what fruit Reese would have been the size of this week. I constantly look at bump pictures I had Ross take of me every week (from week four to 23), wondering how big I would have been now. Instead, I just look down and think about how I need to lose weight but don’t want to—I don’t want to lose any part of me that is Reese’s doing. 

We have both slowly resumed work—we are fortunate we have such understanding employers. We’ve discussed measures that will need to be taken for when we start trying to get pregnant again. We also had our first support group meeting this week. It’s hard knowing that there are others out there that share this unbelievable pain with us but comforting at the same time. But mostly we’ve just been trying to move forward; I don’t want to say move on because that implies that we are trying to forget, and I never want to forget anything. 

 

I’ve felt more anger and anguish over the last month than I have ever felt in my life. I’ve hidden more baby posts on social media than I care to admit, turned down different aisles in stores so I can avoid pregnant women or babies, and felt so much jealously it’s embarrassing. I’ve yelled, I’ve sobbed (most likely ruining my pillowcases in the process), and I’ve thrown things. I’ve spent hours researching what happened, and I’ve placed the blame on myself, then others, knowing full well there is no one to blame. I’ve woken up in the middle of the night thinking I’m still pregnant and then fallen back asleep only to awake again, this time smiling because Reese was in my dream, reminding me that I am his mother, always and forever.

 

Knowing that Reese had such an impact on so many people in his short time has made this all a bit easier. The amount of money donated for memorial bricks and a locker at Paulson Stadium is in the thousands. Plus, the money donated to Ross and I just because people care…I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to fully show my gratitude. Countless meal deliveries and gift cards—I’m reminded every time I order a meal that someone loved Reese. You spend your whole life wondering what others think of you, and then a tragedy like this happens and people come out of nowhere, to let you know you’re loved. I have no doubt that the three of us as a family are surrounded by more love than we ever thought possible. 

 

One of the biggest things I have taken from this is how lucky Reese is and our future children will be to have a man like Ross as their father. Bad dad jokes aside, he has been such a source of strength for me, while also showing his pain and dealing with his grief alongside me. I always knew him to be a caring and considerate man, but I’ve gotten to share those feelings with the world the last month. 

 

Eventually, we will stop posting about Reese regularly. Ross will resume his typical rants about sports, and I’ll go back to sharing articles about pop culture. Hopefully, we will both share happy news about a new addition, and receive congratulations sentiments, much like we did in December when we announced we were expecting Bub. One day, we might forget to sing happy birthday at 6:37 pm as we have done every day since February 12th, and we might not remember to say goodbye to his urn that sits on our bedroom shelf as we leave the room. But that doesn’t mean the pain will be gone or that we have gotten over his death—far from it. What it does mean is that we will be doing exactly what Reese would have wanted for us—we will be living our lives to whatever the fullest is at that moment, striving to make him proud with every move we make. 

 

If you’ve made it this far, thank you. Thanks for letting me ramble on about my beautiful son. Ross has something he has prepared to say in the event anyone asks us if we have children, and I think it’s perfect to end this little essay with. 

 

“Yes! We have a son. His name is Reese, and he’s the light of our lives and he keeps us going every single day. He was beautiful and perfect. He came to us short of 24 weeks and unfortunately his time with us was way too short and we lost him after 5 days. We love him and we hope he will be a big brother one day soon – thank you so much for asking.”

 

We love you Reese, our Bub. We miss you. We will see you again. 

From Dad: Three Weeks Out

 This was originally posted on Ross's Facebook page on March 10th, 2022 at 10:17 PM

Three weeks now without you, Reese. 21 days ago around this time, you took your last breaths. In your mom's arms and with a driving rainstorm outside the hospital walls, you blessed us by letting us know it was your time to go. We love you and we will until we take our last breaths.

Over the past three weeks we have been genuinely shocked and amazed by the people who have reached out to not only show their support for our loss, but also to share about their own loss and grief. For everyone that has reached out, we see you, we appreciate you, and we pray blessings for you. For the folks who have shared about their own loss or are dealing with grief, we also hear you and pray for you and for peace for you.

Loss comes in so many forms. Infant loss is brutal, but so is miscarriage, stillbirth, loss of a child, loss of a grandparent or parent, loss of a sibling or close friend, or loss of a partner or spouse...they are all devastating and unimaginable in their own way. Grief comes in so many forms and every loss is hard. I'm so thankful that Sudie and I have had each other and so many others to lean on. If you are struggling with loss and grief please know you are not alone and that there are resources out there. This life can be hard and the only way to survive and thrive is to rely on the people and resources available to us to get through the difficult times. I have been so gutted losing Reese but I know there's something on the other side of this hell we've been going through. There's always a peak on the other side of the valley, and if any of y'all need a friend or a resource or help finding a way forward I'm here to tell you I get it and we're happy to help you find it.

You had five days with us Reese and looking back now over the 21 days since we lost you I'm so thankful for the impact you made on your mom and dad and on so many others in a short time.

If Reese has taught me anything, it's that there's peace and strength to be found in this life no matter the circumstance.

We love you, Bub. I see you every time I wake up in the middle of the night, you're the first thing we think of every morning, and I hope that never goes away. Help show us the way, help us be kind to each other, and help your mom and dad find our way forward. We promise to honor you and love you until we see you again.

From Mom: Coming Home

 This was originally posted on Sudie's Facebook page on March 7th, 2022 at 4:51 pm

We picked up Reese’s final resting place today. He’s finally home, with Mommy and Daddy, in his little blue house that we told him all about while he was in NICU. The bereavement team at the hospital made sure he was never alone after we had to say our goodbyes, so they placed this little white bear with him. The little bear was with him as he was baptized the Monday after he passed, and then until he was cremated. I like to think they are best friends.

The urn and the bear are tiny and perfect, just like our Reese.

We love you Bub. Welcome home.

From Dad: Two Weeks Out

 This was originally posted on Ross's Facebook page on March 3rd, 2022 at 10:38 PM

Two weeks without you, Reese. Two weeks ago you were laying in my arms on the second floor at the hospital, but unfortunately your body began to give out and you would soon take your last breaths in your mom's arms. Your mom and I were and are still devastated losing you, but you blessed us by leaving peacefully on your own time. We will love and cherish you forever, little man.

This morning Sudie shared with me a clip from the podcast Pod Save America where one of the hosts shared his family's story about their recent loss very similar to our losing Reese. But he made an excellent point, about what to say to strangers when they ask if you have children. And as a development officer, I do get asked a lot. In his words, "What do you do? Lie? Or spill your (expletive) guts to a total stranger?" So in that spirit, I may as well start practicing.

Yes! We have a son, and his name is Reese. We love him and he's the light of our lives, but his time with us was way too short and we lost him after 5 days. But he will forever be our son and our first born, thank you for asking.

I was moved a few weeks back when Robbie Roper of Roswell HS passed away and we (Georgia Southern football) extended this same gesture. You never think it will be you, until you find it is you on the receiving end. We appreciate you and all the folks with Georgia Southern Athletics for remembering our Reese. Please also know how much we appreciate all of you who have sent your love, condolences, and the many forms of support for our family.

Reese, your mom and I love you so much and we miss you terribly. We know we will see you again, and I pray you continue to look out for our family. Thank you for making us parents.

From Dad: One Week Out

 This was originally posted on Ross's Facebook page on February 25th, 2022 at 12:53 AM

One full week without you, Reese. We miss you so much and your mom and I have broken down in sobs so many times. But that's OK and is just part of how much you were loved. You made such an impact on so many people during your short time on this planet and for that we're so thankful. We love you buddy, and we're so thankful that you were welcomed into your next life as a good and faithful servant. We will never forget you, and we are eternally grateful for you and for the people who loved and cared for you.

Sudie and I continue to hope that you all will hold your little ones extra tight, do something kind for someone else, and continue to pray for peace for our family and loved ones.

From Mom: Five Days Out

 This was originally posted on Sudie's Facebook page on February 22nd, 2022 at 2:11 PM

It’s been almost five days since we lost Reese. We’ve been without him almost as long as he was with us. The pain hasn’t left, but we don’t expect it to. The sobs come in waves, hitting us out of nowhere. The guilt over a good nights sleep hits every morning and the sadness of going to sleep, knowing that will result in one more day farther away from him, come every night. I honestly don’t know when it will ever go away, or if it ever will.

However, I take comfort in many things. The love and kindness we have received as a family, from our best friends and total strangers, has been overwhelming in the best possible way. Donations, flowers, and meals—they’re still coming even though he is gone, because people just want to remind us that we are loved, as individuals and as Reese’s parents. The people who have reached out with stories, letting us know we are not alone. I hate sharing this pain with others, that this is what we have in common, but it helps the healing process.

Reese was baptized yesterday by the Chaplain at Northside Hospital. We chose his final resting place—a beautiful blue bronze urn…tiny and perfect just like him. The HEARTstrings Bereavement team and spiritual team at the hospital has gone above and beyond with resources and assistance and care. We could not be getting through this without them.

He was with us for five days, but I keep looking at pictures from the last day. The only day we got to hold him. It was the hardest and greatest day of our lives—the worst and most beautiful. I would give anything to hold him again, but I know he is now free of pain, walking streets of gold, protecting us from above and waiting for the day we are reunited again.

We love you so much Reese. Mommy and Daddy miss you and can’t wait to see you again.

From Dad: In Memory Of

 This was originally posted on Ross's facebook page on February 18th, 2022 at 7:14 AM

Day 6 with Reese (Thursday). It was not a good day, and unfortunately in life it's not always a happy ending. We received the devastating news of his brain scans from the doctor late in the morning. During Reese's complications overnight on Monday, he experienced significant bleeding on his brain - a grade IV bilateral IVH. The absolute worst prognosis. Reese was our perfect tiny miracle baby but the bleed meant that he was unlikely to ever come home, and he would never be able to eat or breathe on his own. We had to have incomprehensible conversations about Reese's prognosis and further care, but we were also advised that he might also decide on his own timing. Sudie got to hold Reese for a long time during the day and then I held him for hours during the evening into the night. His poor little body gave out and he died peacefully in Sudie's arms at 11PM.

I pray through my tears and through our grief that yesterday will forever be the worst day of our lives, and I ask you all to hug your little ones extra tight for us and in Reese's honor. We remain eternally grateful to the staff at the Special Cares Nursery. Reese will be cremated and his beautiful spirit will burn brightly through Sudie and I for the rest of our days.

We thank you all, from the bottom of our hearts, for the prayers and love and support. Our journey with Reese has come to an end after 5 days, and we will continue to lean on each other and on friends and family to help us get through the sorrow. We will forever have a Reese sized hole in our hearts, but we know he will forever be our little bub, our first born, big brother, and our guardian angel. Reese made us parents and we will love, honor, and celebrate his memory forever. Sudie wrote our little boy a loving obituary of all the things he might have done in this world, and we know we will see him again someday.

Reese William Davis 2/12/22 - 2/17/22

Well done, our (tiny) good and faithful servant.

From Mom: In Memory Of

 This post was originally posted on Sudie's facebook page on February 18th at 6:39 AM.

Reese William Davis passed away February 17th at 11:00 PM. He spent most of his final day being held by his mommy and daddy, and passed away peacefully on his own, in his mommy’s arms.

In his short five days on Earth, he touched the lives and felt the love of hundreds. I’m going to use this time to think about what I think he would have accomplished if he had stayed with us.

He won seven Masters Tournaments, four Stanley Cups with the Tampa Bay Lightning, multiple World Series on the Atlanta Braves before being traded to the Tampa Bay Rays. He is the only person ever to be in the NFL, NHL, MLB, the PGA Tour, and win multiple Grand Slam Tennis Tournaments simultaneously. He finally won the Atlanta Falcons a Super Bowl.

He graduated from Georgia Southern University just like his mommy and daddy. He also went on to graduate from The University of Florida and Florida State University, as he had spent his entire life cheering for both of them. He won National titles in football for all three.

He was an astronaut and also found a cure for many diseases. He was elected President of the United States but decided against taking on the role as he felt he had better things to do.

Reese wrote seven New York Times Bestsellers and won the Scripps National Spelling Bee multiple times.

But in reality, he was a sweet, precious boy who was loved fiercely by his mommy and daddy, as well as many others. He was too perfect for this imperfect world. He had a head full of dark hair, a heart full of light and love, and a brain that was full of smarts but just couldn’t work as hard as we needed it to. We know he will continue to be our guardian angel and will watch over us and any brothers or sisters that might come his way. He will be waiting when it’s our time to see him again, and will let us know about everything we missed out on.

Reese, you gave us the greatest love anyone could ever give. You made us parents, and that will never be taken away. We love you forever, Bub.